After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
