Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
