I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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