: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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