i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
