My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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