What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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