Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
