After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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