I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
