My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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