i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
