I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
