Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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