I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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