I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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