kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
