some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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