If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
zippers are such a cool invention
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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