I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
