her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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