that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
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My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.