i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
