allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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