Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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