im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
