I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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