Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
