Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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