it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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