Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
