just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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