i just sent this text using only my big toe
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
