I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
