I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
