there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
