I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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