break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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