I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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