My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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