Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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