I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
