you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.