We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
