his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?