You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
