I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
