I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
