White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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