u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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