You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
