I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
