Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
