I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
