do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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