am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
