Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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