i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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