the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
