dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
how does that bad decision feel?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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